dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
