It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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