How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
