I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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