I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Randomize
