i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
