id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
