I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
