I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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