You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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