I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
