Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
