Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize