The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
