The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
