we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
