is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
