Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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