Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
