Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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