Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I need water and some morals
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
