every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
