I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
