I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
