nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
