so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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