Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
