Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
