I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
