my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
