Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize