i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
