made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
