Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
