i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
