Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
