i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
