There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
