Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
