he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
