I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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