So drunk, too bad you don't want this
My underwear smells like fireworks.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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