Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
