he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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