I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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