i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
