I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
