I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
