Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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