i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
