Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
