oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
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