his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
