I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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