Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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