Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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