oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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