By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
