I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He shit in the fireplace
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