now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
