hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
