I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Randomize
