Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
