I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
